A reader named Meg asked a question that was so relatable, it felt like a family reunion.
With permission, here’s the question:
“I make plans in advance and then consistently ditch those plans. As the plans approach, I begin to absolutely dread them. What is this?? Why??
Meg has a hypothesis: “I think part of me starts focusing on only negative outcomes and not good possibilities.”
Meg hit it on the nose. Of course our brains focus on what might go wrong—that’s millennia of evolution converging so we don’t get blindsided at brunch.
But all that worry about what terrible things could happen is overwhelming. What if it’s totally awkward? What if I don’t have anything to say? What if I say stupid things?
Here’s the part we often forget: focusing on what could go wrong implies we expect ourselves to do everything right.
Being social can feel like a performance, with your Inner Critic holding up metaphorical scorecards. Your joke was lame: 2 out of 10! You laughed at the wrong part of her story: points off!
It feels like there are so many contradictory rules: we have to ask questions but also talk about ourselves. We have to be cool but not detached. We have to be smart and informed but not a pretentious know-it-all.
All of this is exhausting. If brunch with our friends feels like an exam, of course we’d prefer to stay home.
So what should we do when we feel the urge to text and cancel? Here are three tools to try:
We’ve all been there: We make a plan that we’re (genuinely!) looking forward to, and then, as it approaches, all the energy drains out of us like a deflating balloon. Our brain latches on to excuses: “Last time parking was a giant hassle,” “But I’m exhausted,” “Do I even like these people?”
But consider this: when you go to a restaurant, what happens? The hostess greets you, seats you, and hands you a menu. The server comes and takes your order. They return with your food, you eat, you pay the bill, you leave.
It’s a script. It’s what always happens.
What if social anxiety before an event is also a script? Get invitation, be excited, accept invitation. Time passes. Start to dread the event, come up with lots of reasons I can’t go, feel anxious. Go anyway.
This happens to me with big work events and conferences. My brain comes up with a zillion reasons not to go, but I know it’s just what happens. It’s part of the script, which means I don’t have to fight it. It will pass. I can watch it like a movie I’ve seen a thousand times.
And then I walk out the door and usually end up having a decent time.
Am I 100% anxiety-free? No.
Am I glad I went? Yes.
Regarding anxiety as “just part of the script” helps us see it not as a screaming alarm system we have to heed, but as a phenomenon that simply plays out in the theater of our mind. All these thoughts—”I don’t want to go,” “I should stay home because I value self-care”--are just passing through.
It’s just what my brain does, but that doesn’t mean I need to listen to it.
2: Ask yourself what’s most likely to happen.
Our brains are wired to zero in on the worst-case scenario. The anticipatory movie in our mind pauses on the moment we go blank, feel left out, or feel as awkward as a cow on crutches.
But worst-case scenarios are rare.
Instead, gently try to redirect your brain to the most likely scenario. Most likely, one friend will hype you up but go on too long about her dating life and another friend will tell hilarious stories but check her phone a lot. There will be mostly nice moments of connection peppered with some awkward moments of miscommunication or misunderstanding. In other words, it will be a mix of ups and downs, not a giant catastrophe.
Can things go horribly wrong? Yes, absolutely. But don’t mistake possibility for probability. Worst-case scenarios are possible in this universe, but they’re not what will probably happen.
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Our brain reasons, “If I follow the rules and do everything right, I’ll be accepted—or at least not rejected.”
Needing to do everything right usually means we’re measuring ourselves through our social performance. If we do well, that means we’re ok. If we slip, even just a little, that means we screwed up. And then we review that lowlight reel over and over when we get home.
But this is perfectionism.
Remember, you are not your social performance. Whether or not you tell a good story or act appropriately isn’t a test of character.
You can still be liked by the group, a good friend, a cool person, or whatever value is important to you and make a blunder here and there. Give yourself some grace. It’s time with friends, not a final exam.
Are there times when canceling is the right thing to do? Of course. But try taking your anxiety along with you as you go to game night, axe throwing, or weekend brunch. Surprisingly, you and your anxiety may end up having a nice time.
Did you find this note from me useful? If so, please share it with one person you care about. Even in our digital world, a word of mouth recommendation is still the most valuable.
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Be kind to others and yourself!
